| ...Irish Jokes And One Liners... |
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| The walls in my flat, says Murphy, are so thin, that every time I ask my wife a question, I get three different answers... How do you confuse an Irishman,? Put two shovels against a wall, and tell him to take his Pick... How would you reconise an Irish dog,??? It walks backwards and waggels its head... How would you reconise an Irishman in Holland,??? He,s the one wearing the wooden wellies... How would you reconise an Irish pirate,??? He's the one with patches over both eyes... Did ya hear about the Irishwoman with five legs,??? Her knickers fitted her like a glove... Paddy says to O,Toole, Now that we,ve won the lottery what' ll we do about the beggen letters ? Ah says O,Toole, we,ll just keep sending them... And ma wife gave her a nasty look says Finnegin,,but there was no need... Cheers...And may ye be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows yer dead... The goverment has our backs against the wall for far too long now says Murphy...its now time for all irishmen to turn around and fight... Murphy says to the old man sitting in the corner of the pub, Were you in the war ? Aye said the old man, I was an Irish kamakazi pilot, Wow! said Murphy, what a hero, Aye said the old man, 44 missions in 15 days and it never did me a button na harm... Two easy lessons in learning how to teach the irish gig...1,,serve alcohol, 2,,lock toilet doors... Did you hear about the Irishman that tried to blow up a car,??? He burnt his mouth on the exhaust pipe... Irish dog sitting in front of the fire chewing on a bone, When he stood up his leg fell off... Two Irishmen stopped by the police for jaywalking, Name ? said the sergeant to one, O,Conner says the first one, Address ? says the sergeant, No fixed abode says O,Conner, And u said the sergeant, looking at the other, O,Brian, and I live in the flat above him... Did you hear Ireland,s solved their unemployment problem? You don,t leave school till ure 65... Sure the Chinese have been cloning humans for years, says O Brian, Rubbish says Murphy, What makes you say that? Well if u were mugged by one, could you identify him in a police line up... Paddy looking through The Bible in his hotel room when a leaflet fell from between the pages, on it, it said if u have a drink problem ring this number. Paddy did, and he got an Off licence in Royal Avenue... Mick!! asked the barmaid, Whats those two bulges in the front of ure trousers? AH said Mick there hand grenades, for the next time that bum bandit O,Shaunessey tries to put his hands down there I,ll blow the bloody hands off him... Man half irish and half scottish wants a pint, but cant bring himself about to pay for it... Irishman and Englishman cycling home on their tandem bycycle after leaving the pub, We,re Full says Paddy, It was worth it Paddy replies Tommy, it was a great day...two minutes later they,re stopped by the police, Paddy gets charged with drunk incharge and Tommy gets charged with pedaling dope... Two irishmen heading home from the pub on a friday nite...Whats that lying there says Murphy, looking at the wee brown ball on the pavement, It looks like dope says O,Connell picking it up, he squeeses it. smells it, and throws it down fast saying, shit man its dogs dirt....Geesus says Murphy arnt you lucky ya did,nt stand on it... Hey says O,Toole to the landlord, i did,nt get my change outta that machine!!...And they say change is enevitable replies the landlord...eh!! replies O,Toole, am i gettin ma change or not!!... Have a bit a craic, But remember, says Finnegin to his mucker O.Fagen whose off on his way to the office christmas party hopeing to meet a girl....remember, A Dogs for life not just for christmas... What do ya call a leprechaun covered in cement,???...a wee hard man... See they,v found a cure for arthritis says O'Leary, about time replies O'Gill, aye says O'Leary it says here they take all ure bones out, not only do you feel alot better you also feel much more relaxed... Irish Elephant says to the nude man...Can you breathe through that?... Paddy caught cheating in his school exams asked the teacher how she found out, it was easy replied the teacher...Murphy sitting in front of you put down for question number 10 i don't know and you put down, neither do i... All that money you had and now your skint says O'Kane to Murphy..what did you do with it all,? i spent most of it on women and drink and squandered the rest says Murphy... Paddy !! asks Mary, if you were stranded on a desert island who would you like most to be with you?? my uncle Mick replys Paddy...Whats so special about him asks Mary?? He's got a boat says Paddy... Murphy!!! asks Paddy, whats that gong for you have hanging on the wall??? Thats my speaking clock replys Murphy. How does that work asks Paddy?? Murphy opens a drawer and gets out a hammer and thumps the gong, and a voice replys...for gods sake not again its 2 o clock in the morning... Dwarf goes into a british army recruiting office in Belfast to join up, but is refused because of his height. You could go over the border and try the irish army. Will they take me he asks, they should he's told, is,nt their national anthem...soldiers are wee... Ugly girl came up to me in Donnegans Pub the other night and asked me what reincarnation means?? i told her it means when you die you can come back as something else. She said ''when i die i want to come back as a dog'' i said 'your not bloody listening to me are you love'!!... Paddy the Chink goes for an interview for a job at Belfast shipyard, he gets it and is told he will be working in the stores with Murphy and is in charge of supplys. Can you handle that he's ask? sure Paddy the Chink replys,,i can do supplys. 10 minutes later Maguire goes to the stores to get some nails and out of one of the empty boxes in the corner jumps Paddy the Chink waving his arms and shouting..supplys supplys... Irish Scientists have discovered that birthdays are good for you...the more you have the longer you live... Paddy thought Johnny Cash was change from a condom machine...he also thought Moby Dick was a veneral disease... Seen my friend O'Shea hanging around the bouncy castle the other day, when i tackled him about it he said he was looking for a new pair of shoes... Murphy dandering through Belfast late one night decides to stay at Paddys new B & Breakfast, but its locked up for the night when he gets there. Seeing a light on upstairs Murphy throws a few pebbles at the glass..Suddenly the window opens and Paddy shouts down...''What da ya want'', which Murphy replys ''i wanna stay there''....''Well Stay There Then'' Paddy says, and closes the window... |
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